Unscientific Calculation

I've been moved by the inner vibes of me to follow on my theme from last week: this one of Love. I do not wish in any way to advocate that Love is easy to understand, let alone write about. But I definitely know that it exists. I think that there are very few Loves that are real, and I would like to discuss for a bit two of those Loves that I believe extend far more than what we read in books or watch in [extremely-depressing-but-really-difficult-not-to-watch] movies.

What I have come to figure out (and it didn't take me much time to come to the conclusion that I have always known) is that when it comes to Love, we're all clueless. Because no matter how far out into the universe we go, no matter how many sea caves we discover, and no matter how many small little pieces we can break an atom into, we just have NO idea where to even begin defining and, even more, understanding Love. The greatest philosophers and mathematicians can come up with theories such as corpuscularianism and calculus, but they cannot come up with a formula that gets us just an iota closer to understanding what Love is. Is it a physical reaction or an uncontrollable emotional force? What separates Love from affection, curiosity or pity? Can you measure Love?

Regardless of the many questions that may arise, there are some things that I do know about love. One of those things is that Love is a choice. It's not passive or uncontrollable as Hollywood would like us to believe. Love is actively deciding that no matter what, I am sticking by this person. Because I Love. The only love that is real, or at the very least that matters, is a love that is selfless; sacrificial; unconditional. So then it raises a question in my head: ja, right. Who?

I think about the kind of person I am, and what it takes to DECIDE to love me. To decide means seeing my imperfections and choosing to look past them... and you would be looking a REALLY long distance to see past them. There are days that I wake up and even I find it hard to love myself. Days when my jeans are too tight, my eyes are too small, or I'm just not that funny. I think about how I could be taller, smarter, thinner, prettier, just like her, a bit more like him and a lot less like me. I think about the person that I want to be, and how very far away I am from even starting to become her. I look and see people who are cooler, nicer, quirkier, more talented and have more friends than me. And then I think about CHOOSING to love, and whether or not I would choose to love me. And most days... well, most days, it's pretty tough.

And even more than that, I don't understand why my mother loves me. Science dictates that all things have a reason and that everything can be explained through methodical calculation. If I were to use that logic in trying to understand why my mother loves me, here's what I would come to: she shouldn't. From soiled diapers at 6 months old (gross!), to selfish tears at 6 years old, all the way to broken curfews at sixteen, there is an endless list of why my mother should not love me. I can think of countless times when I have shouted at, lied to and fought with my mom. When I have disrespected her, mocked her and told her she's ruined my life. Where I have not regarded her feelings, and when I have outright disobeyed her. The times that I have made her cry: in front of me and in secret. I can name times when I have openly despised her, publicly humiliated her and inwardly detested her. When I have done everything in my power to manipulate her, belittle her and get my way.

If I were to think of the times that she should love me, the list is not so long. In fact, from the time that I was taking up lodging in her womb, I have been nothing but a pain in her back and burden to her wallet. After all she has sacrificed, I still manage to undermine her love through my intolerance and selfishness. I expect too much and thank too little. I seldom acknowledge her contribution to my successes, but am quick to blame her for my failures.

But she loves me. When I disobey her, she loves me. When I yell at her, she loves me. When I prove to her in my actions and my hateful words that she should do anything but love me, she loves me. She was at every school play, at every debate. She made me soup when I was ill, even though she told me not to play in the rain. She hugged me, kissed me and held my hand when I had done everything to push her away. She loves me, and I don't know why. You see, Science says that I am a parasite. I leech off her, taking what I want and doing what's good for me. Loving me is not healthy, and yet she does.

If I can't even figure out why my mother - with her human flaws - can love me, how much more flabbergasted am I to find that GOD loves me. In fact, I think that He shouldn't. But I thank God that He does not think the way I do. I thank Him that He does not have a pros and cons list of why He should love me, because to Him that does not matter. I don't have to understand why He loves, and trying to figure it out would be a waste of time. All I have to know is that He does. You see, the thing with God is that He doesn't choose love, He IS love; He doesn't give grace, He CREATES it. And God doesn't just tell me He loves me, He SHOWED me He loves me: way back when He hung on a wooden cross, He demonstrated a love so immeasurable it REDEFINED love.

I don't know how it's possible to get seedless grapes, or why mice have really long tales. I don't know why some people like blue cheese and why others don't. I don't know where dogs learn to swim, or why pigeons are grey. I don't know why my mother loves me. And I don't know why the all-powerful ruler of everything would look down and notice me; why He would love me and care for me; why He would die for me.

There are tons of things that I do not know about Love. What I do know is God loves me. And to me, that's all that really matters. God's love for me IS selfless, sacrificial and unconditional. How? Well, I don't know. But I do know that The Duke of Romance has a way of describing Love that has resonated over the years of war and famine and disease. Shakespeare may not have been thinking about God's love for us when he wrote this, but it sure is a close description of a Love that even the greatest poets and literary legends would never be able to fully explain, even if they were to try forever.

This week's challenge: know that you are loved. Because even when you look in the mirror and there are three more pimples there that weren't there yesterday, there is a Prince Charming who loves you so much, you'll never be able to wear Him out. And isn't that just a joy to know!

"... Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom."
Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

My new boyfriend

On the Eve of the day that probably divides the world the most, I thought that I would leave one for the ladies. I wrote this a while ago, but I hope that it can be a blessing:


"I think that I am going to start dating Jesus.

He has never broken my heart, and I know that things will work out between the two of us. He is not afraid of commitment - He has already called me His bride and planned an amazing wedding. I also have a really good relationship with His father, who loves me, too. Jesus has really good foresight and acts with my future in mind. And He has a superb CV, and a wonderful life plan. He even has me in His will.

Plus, we don't have to worry about where we are going to live, because He has been spending 2000 years preparing the perfect house for me. And not just the house. He has picked out the perfect neighbourhood – I hear that the streets are made of gold and that the neighbours are the nicest people that you have met in your life.

And I know He loves me; He proves it every day. He loves me so much that He is there in the morning when I wake up and goes as far as to watch me when I sleep. He never forgets my birthday, or any of the other days that are important to me for that matter. And He always brings me flowers – not only on special occasions. He never puts me on voicemail or sends me a please call me, and His love letter to me is filled with promises that He does not break.

Sometimes I may be a little ashamed to say that I know Him, and I don't stop people who make fun of Him. I all out reject Him through my silence, and sometimes I even laugh when they say mean things about Him. And even though He is my best friend, I sometimes forget to talk to Him. I often choose to go places that I know He does not like and I do things that I know will make Him sad. I tend to be extremely selfish and seldom think about how upset I make Him feel when I do certain things. I even get arrogant at times and question His love for me when I out rightly defy Him by suggesting that I know more than He does. I don't even consult Him when I make decisions.
But He remains faithful even when I stray and He never acts out in revenge, but continues to make sure that everything works out well for me. He has given His all to be with me, and loves me even when I forget to call.

So I think that I am going to start dating Jesus. Because I do not know any other guy who will die for me, having done nothing wrong himself. No other guy wants to be with me so badly that he is willing to leave his loving father and awesome home for me. Most guys don't even notice when I change my hair. But Jesus turns his head when a strand falls off my head! Jesus does not expect me to wear the best clothes and the nicest make-up. You see, Jesus sees me when I look my worst, and still thinks that I am beautifully made. Besides, Jesus is more interested in what's on inside. He takes personal interest in what I think and feel. Jesus actually cares about my personality. And Jesus is not scared about what His friends will think of me. I may not be the best person – I know I'm not - but He thinks I am, and He even tells His dad that. In fact, He defends me when I make Him sad and He really should just break up with me.

But Jesus said that He will not leave me and that He will be there when things get really tough. He lets me cry, and holds me while I do. And then He wipes my tears from my eyes and makes me happy again. And when I am worried or scared, I know that I can rely on Jesus to take away my anxiety and give me peace.

Yes, I think that I am going to start dating Jesus. I am going to take Him everywhere and show Him off to everyone. I want all my friends to know that my boyfriend is the most important person in the world, and yet He spends time with me all the time. Jesus is better than anyone that I could ever love. He is the only One that owns my heart, and the only One that matters. Jesus is everything to me."


Happy Valentine's Day! Challenge of the week: whether you're covered head to toe in red and pink, or if you've taken sick leave and plan on staying in bed re-watching "Casablanca", may you celebrate the greatest love all. Not just on Valentine's day, but every day.

I'm still waiting on my own personal Shakespeare. And as I wait, I would like to leave you with these beautiful words from the Scribe of Love himself:

"My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee
The more I have, for both are infinite."
Juliet in Romeo and Juliet

Winds of Change

It's almost silly to be discussing change when we are already over a month into the New Year. But it seems as though February is a little more adventurous than January, and with her came a few surprises that are bound to wake us up from our summer haze. In politics, sport and life, there are a few changes that I have experienced that I would like to share with you.

A weekend of registration for the upcoming municipal elections got my family talking yesterday. We weren't very surprised that the first time any of the political parties have been visible in our ward of Highlands North was when we were seeing smiling faces on street poles. Not much has changed since the 2009 general elections, except perhaps that the potholes have gotten bigger. But generally, it seems that South Africans are not as eager for change as our Egyptian and Tunisian counterparts.

Elections are meant to form part of a healthy democracy, where citizens get to consider thoughtfully the changes they want in their communities and demand it from their local governments. But that does not seem to be the case. I had voted in Grahamstown in the last elections, so that is where I have been registered. Today, I was a responsible citizen and went to register in my area. While fulfilling what I consider a very important duty to my country, the gentleman who was supposed to be checking my form was engaged in a duty of his own - deciding whether he wanted mild or peri peri for his Nando's order. Perhaps expecting change in a country where we are almost so close to a complete deterioration of ethics and justice that we no longer notice the speed limits on the highway is asking too much. Political change can only exist where apathy doesn't, but in this beautiful land it seems as though apathy is sharing the thrown with the one-eyed king.

But now that I am registered, I need to consider who I am to vote for. In our conversation last night The Sister suggested a viable candidate when she asked "Can I vote for Dial Direct or Outsurance?" A strange question, you may think, but Dial Direct and Outsurance are the only organisations that we have seen in our area who have positively contributed to the well-being of the community. Dial Direct are systematically trying to cover all the potholes on the roads, and Outsurance can always be counted on to adequately handle the traffic when the lights inevitably decide not to work on Louis Botha at 7am on a Monday morning. Perhaps the true solution is to vote for the Taxi drivers. After all, the cops fear them the same way a Grade 1 student fears a Grade 6 bully. They have the unrivalled ability to get drivers to follow their rules, and punish any indiscretion with immediate action. They seem to be a lot more successful in implementing their laws than the government are. At the very least, they believe in transparency: they openly show their corruption, unlike our politicians who (unsuccessfully) hide theirs

And in the beautiful game, things have gone from freezing cold to boiling hot: this season has been a wild rollercoaster ride for Liverpool supporters, especially this week. The should-not-have-been-surprising move of Spanish striker Fernando Torres from the Reds to the Blues was a shocker for everyone - almost, but not quite, as shocking as Wolverhampton’s victory over Man United yesterday. Reports showed that Torres had been hoping for a move from as far back as the English summer, and he proved it in his comments leading up to a highly-anticipated blue and red scuffle at Stamford Bridge. According to the transfer-record-breaking Spaniard, his move from Liverpool was long-time overdue. But, as Chelsea supporters got to experience firsthand tonight, so are the goals that everyone has been expecting of the highly-rated striker. Change doesn't come cheap, as the London team have discovered, and Torres' weak 65-minute display of almost football has many Chelsea supporters begging for their change from the 50 million pounds they spent on Monday. Torres should have paid more attention in Science. If he had, he would know that when a substance goes from extreme heat (Red) to extreme cold (Blue), the substance becomes rock hard and utterly useless. After all, that's how The Fantastic Four defeated Victor Von Doom!

A change that's going to be slightly more difficult for me to stomach is Liverpool's signing of Uruguian footballer, Luis Suarez. If you recall, the striker's excellent goal keeping is what kept the Black Stars out of the World Cup Semis back in August. However, last season's Dutch League Footballer of the Year added to his negative number of brownie points by scoring in his debut for Liverpool against Stoke on Tuesday. This is not a welcome change, but it is a much-needed one if Liverpool has its eyes set on next season's Champion's League.

Unlike Torres, Newcastle gracefully reacted to change (and a four-goal deficit) by ending a rather exciting game on a four-all draw with the Gunners, who - as always - ran out of ammunition in the last half an hour of the game at St James' Park. Even with the loss of their top player to a better team ;) Newcastle showed courage in what appeared to be a very sad situation. Nani also added change to his list of accomplishments this week when he set an impossible-to-beat record by scoring against Wolves in under 4 seconds. But not every change bears good fruit, as Man U demonstrated yesterday. United supporters were extremely silent on the inter-web this weekend, and that is a welcome change in and of itself.

A little more closer to home, I started my first Big Person’s job this week. This brought on a number of changes: fewer sleeping hours; more money in my bank account; experiencing Sandton traffic. But the best change that I have experienced is the growth of my wardrobe. If I am forced to join the capitalist machine, I may as well look pretty while doing it. Not long ago, a family friend said in jest: “If you’re not a communist at 20, you have no heart. If you’re still a communist at 30, you have no brain.” Though I still stand strongly by my socialist sentiments, it’s easy to see the comfort in joining the system. How long can change be resisted?

The Winds of Change is never a gentle breeze. There's always a major gust when life throws a curve ball. But even though we are powerless to control when the winds may blow, we are always in control of our actions. This week's challenge: decide how you are going to respond to the Winds of Change in your life. Either you're going to be the awkward lady in a chiffon skirt, trying desperately to keep her dress down as the wind cheekily keeps trying to reveal her unmentionables. Or you can be that kid wearing yellow shorts and a blue T-Shirt: holding tightly onto one end of a piece of string as the orange diamond climbs higher, higher into the clear blue sky.

"We know what we are, but not what we may be." Ophelia in Hamlet